Laugh

One of my cousins sent me a few funny sayings last night. I think they're funny. I hope you do:

"I installed a skylight in my apartment.... the people who live above me are furious!"

"I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour!"

"Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash... I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich..."

"I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway."

"The other day, I was walking my dog around my apartment block-- on the ledge outside .... Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths."

"Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so... He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."."

Then I found the website (or rather sites) and got some more:

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I like to fill the bath with water and then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit."

I think these are all quotes from a guy called Steven Wright.

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that.""

"I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."

"One night when I came home drunk, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it ... and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here." Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

[There was a] "Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

:D

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world."

"I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell ... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."

"The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""

Funny :D

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